Things don't always go the way you plan. There are a lot of twists and turns in life and sometimes life just takes you on a different course. It's not suppose to be this way. I thought to myself on way too many occasion. Setbacks happen. Over time, I got used to the fact that you don't always get what you want. Because that's just the way life is. I always thought it was unfair because everything bad seem to always happen to me. I just cannot get a break. Life seems to throw many curve-balls at me, and all those balls are rocks. I just can't get anything right. I got over it.

Throughout the years, I learned to accept what life threw at me. I have gained a more optimistic view. I had a more positive outlook. Of course the positivity and optimism did not come naturally to me. Putting on a positive stance needed a giant push. With his help, I got the push I needed every time. With that, I have a clear view of what's ahead of me.  I still need that push every now and then. Even with knowing that nothing good comes from being a negative nancy, I still manage to stoop low and keep making the same mistakes. Keeping my head high had proved to require much strength. With all that has happened to me, I pull through and get the strength I need.

I know that I'm still going to fall down countless times over and over again. There's just no stopping it. Whenever I do, he's always gonna be there, holding up his hand and I'll get up each and every time. I made a promise to myself (and him) that I will keep going. It does not matter how I get there. In the end, I'll get to where ever I'm suppose to be.

"Don't look back. You're not going that way." - Things we forget

you sure know how to make a girl feel special

For so long I've been dreaming on finding that special someone. That special someone who will be there for you no matter what; that special someone who will always be by your side through good times and the bad. For so long I thought to myself, when am I ever going to find this special someone. This special someone who truly cares for you and will do anything he can to keep you safe. This special someone who will never ever hurt you in any way. Does this person exist? Are they only images portrayed in stories and movies. I convinced myself that there is no one like that for me. Boys are all the same. They will hurt you, play with your heart. They will deceive you, and tell you things you want to hear. There is no such thing as a nice guy!

That's what I thought.

My thoughts about that changed when I met him. I have never in my life felt like this before about anyone else. The way he makes me feel is like a bird who's flying for the first time. I can't stop thinking about him. Every day and every night, my mind is completely flooded with thoughts of him. 'what is he doing?' 'does he think of me as much as i think of him?' I can't be the only one who feels what I feel. But this feeling, it fills me up with happiness. I'm SO happy. The kind of happiness I never felt before. A different kind of feeling that makes me feel like I'm living in a dream. A dream come true, like the ones that only existed in fairytales. He envelops me with joy and I don't think I could live without him. He is an important person to me. I can't even imagine losing someone like him. I don't know what I'd do if I did.

My heart flutters and my stomach has butterflies whenever I'm around him. I get the warmest feeling when I'm with him. I love being in his arms, so close to my heart. My heart feels so alive. I like him so much, it's inevitable. He's my best friend!

I feel like I can tell him anything. I trust him with everything and I know know that he would never betray me. As silly as this may sound, almost like a little girl's fantasies, he means the world to me. He's everything I could ever dream of! I wouldn't ask for anything more. He's perfect just the way he is.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because I know that now, I've found my someone special.

"I just want to spend every possible minute of the rest of my life with you," - Peeta Mellark, Catching Fire

There are some things in life that cannot be explained. No matter how many times you ask why? or how? The answer is still undefined. I needed strength; I still need it. In times of hardships and whatnot, somehow, somewhere, you are given just a little bit of it. Just enough to build up your courage. Just enough to make matters straight. It still a wonder to me, how in times of need, I manage to gather all this strength and courage to stand up. And no matter how many times I've been pushed down, I still manage to get back up. Still strong. My pounding heart could feel it. All this energy. Giving up is not an option.

and one day, everything will be okay

you sparkle, you really do

You. I'm so glad I have you as a friend. You make everything ok again. You really do make me smile. I don't know what I'd do without you. I mean, you're always there when I need you the most. It's not easy talking about some of the things I'm dealing with, but I truly appreciate when you're there to listen. I feel like I can tell you anything. It's almost like you understand everything that's going on around me. My apologizes for being so weak and always breaking down. It cannot be helped sometimes, I'm just delighted to have a friend like you. I hope you know that whenever you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you as well, always. You're amazing, you know that? And I'm not saying this to be nice, I'm saying this sincerely from the bottom of my heart. Seriously, i love you!

thanks for everything

It really puts life into perspective when you have a near-death experience. It gives you a sense of feeling that you're in a bad dream and that you just want to wake up. Heart beating rapidly. Fingers numb from the cold. You just want it to stop, but it won't. It already happened. There's a thin strand between life and death. It terrifies me to think that life could have ended in an instant. Thankfully, it wasn't the time yet. But what if it was? It makes me wonder...are there things left unsaid? Who would even care? Would it really matter if I no longer existed?

It could have been more fatal. But why is the world I know twisting and turning one after the other? Too many unfortunate events happening all at once. What am I suppose to do?

It's funny how you think you know someone, when really, they are completely different than what you expect. After all this time, I just assume people would be totally honest with me. That doesn't seem to be the case. It crushed me to pieces when I found about you. It broke my heart, not gonna lie. Like shattered glass. That's what I feel like. It makes me wonder, that if you, the one that I have become close with, the one who makes me comfortable, the one who I thought would never deceive me, the one who I have fallen hard for..would keep this from me, then what about the other people? The ones who I decide to let in and trust. That's the thing about me, I let people in too fast. I trust people too easily. That's how it leads to me always getting hurt in the end.

my heart melts when i`m around you. Seriously, I don't even know what to do. I'm constantly thinking of you. No matter what i do, you seem to invade my mind. I wish I could tell you how I feel. It's just that, I can't imagine my life without you. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we drift apart. It would surely bring the world i know upside down. I don't think I'd be able to bear you not being in my life. It would crush me to pieces. But right now I'm just living in the moment, and that's enough.

seriously
why do i even bother..

i just wanna be in love this christmas

lately in my mind its all about you. every time my brain drifts off to wonderland, there are thoughts of you. it`s almost like all my attention is on you and only you. sometimes i feel selfish. i know that you can't always get what you want. it's just that, you're the only one i want. i dream so high; most of the time, the impossible. but what can i say? i'm a dreamer. it's true. i'm not even going to deny that i want to be with you. you also probably can't help the fact that you're so desirable to me. that's just the way it is.

maybe we're friends, maybe we're more,
maybe it's just my imagination
but i see you stare just a little too long
and it makes me start to wonder.....

i think about you way too much. the reason for my insomnia? maybe. i feel like a fool, wondering if you ever think about me even if it's for a slight moment. i can't help but smile when i'm around you. it always excites me when i know that i get to see you; and the way you look at me...i can't even begin to explain the way it makes me feel inside. who knows? maybe we could be something...

i wanna get next to you

i miss you

you have no idea how much i like you. its like i'm falling for you more and more each and every day (regardless the fact that i haven't seen or spoken to you in a while) sometimes i feel like i'm going crazy. i don't know what to think and i'm going out of my mind! i miss seeing your face, your smile, the one that makes my heart melt. you have this effect on me that i cannot control. the thing is, i fall fast and hard, and being in like with you doesn't make it any easier. the little things you do confuses me when i try to read you. if only you would just tell me how you feel, or give me a sign or something that you feel the same way or not, anything at all. Just so i know... if our feelings are reciprocated...or everything is in my head

i've made it obvious

seriously, seriously, why do you do this? you act like you don't care about anything. after everything i've done for you, it seems like you don't appreciate it one bit. whenever i bring it up, you must remind me of the other things that you did for me. do i not do enough for you? it's like all the things that i have done for you is only to re-pay what you have done for me. i do appreciate all the things you did for me. i can't thank you enough for some. but the way you act sometimes...it fucking pisses me off. and it makes me so frustrated and angry that your mind can't process how arrogant you can be. or even if you do know, how can you not care? you know that i will and always will be there for you no matter what. so why must you take me for granted? i can just let it go at times; but sometimes i can't always be the bigger person and let it be. for this i am and feel weak because sometimes i just can't take it anymore. it's like the ball of unstable energy inside me is about to burst and i cannot hold it in any longer. i'm furious with you. it hurts like hell inside. when i clench in my stomach to stop the pain. i always feel like crying. these tears, they feel like it's burning on my face.

im sorry that i can't be a perfect older sister. im sorry that i can't do everything that you want me to. im sorry that at times i cant put up with your bullshit. im sorry if im not a good enough someone you can look up to. but this is me. why can't you just accept me as i am? must you always need to put me down in the dumps? always throwing negative comments at me? making me feel so freaking low? i know when you are teasing, and i dont mind that at all. but at times it just gets to me. i know it shouldn't, but it hurts; because i know that sometimes you mean them. you can be so oblivious and be like "like i care" but you really should learn to be a little more considerate of others. i know that i can be annoying most of the times and occasionally, you can just let it go past you. it's when you don't want to give in that irritates me the most. especially when you're wrong. and you say you don't care, or give a shit. you seem to always act like you're the boss of everything and everyone else around you. it upsets me when you speak of such carelessness and you say things like you can no longer exist in this world. will you ever stop talking such fucking nonsense?

these recent times, we became so close. it felt nice, the closeness made me feel like we were actually real sisters. Just like the ones from story books and movies. I have always wanted to have a relationship with you like that. i liked how close we are. the close connection we acquired had even made us good friends. even if from time to time you can be a pain. i usually get over it. i thought that you had changed. you were different and you were more poised. i strongly admire how strong you are. you are courageous and intelligent. and you make me laugh. i know that we're just going through a rough patch at this very moment and i know that we can still continue to be close if not closer. it kills me inside when i see you go through the sadness and the hardships, where you feel like nothing can ever fix this or there's nothing worth living for. you never let me in. you're always keeping your emotions to yourself when i'm there letting you know that you can talk to me about anything and that you can trust me. i wish you would realize how much i love you. even if i don't say it enough.

{lying in my bed i hear the clock tick and think of you}

every song i hear reminds me of you. i think about you non-stop. you're always on my mind. i want to talk about you all the time. you make me smile, a lot. (even when im not with you) i wanna be with you; there's no one i'd rather be with than you. you're the one who's roaming my sweet dreams, that each morning i wake up, i can't help but smile so brightly with the warmest feeling in the pit of my stomach. i love it when you give me your earphone and we listen to music together, and when you smile at me. i love that little smirk of yours. i love it when you dance so enthusiastically, and always making me laugh; and whenever we walk side by side, i feel so safe. i want to hold your hand and never let go. i probably do this everytime, everytime that i like someone, but i may be falling for you, more than you ever know. more than i have ever fallen for anyone. now if only you're there to catch me. i wonder if you feel the same. it seems like you do at times and i dont know what to think. there are times when i just wanna tell you how i feel, but im scared. im scared of what you will say, or not say. im scared of the possibility that nothing will ever happen. or the possibility of being distanced from you. i feel so hopeless, and it doesn't help that you're so irresistible.

do you remember we were sitting there by the water?

i wonder if you feel the same...

im leaving for this 5-day tour to yellowstone, wyoming tomorrow :) excited. its gonna be so fun! i hope i dont burn from the sun o_o that would be bad. i hate getting sunburned.

so there's this boy, and he's pretty much always on my mind

today was quite an amazing day...well not really , just that i found out i have a twin in korea ! hahha
so here's the story:

i went to The Bay with my mom, dad and grandma cuz my grandma wanted to buy bathroom curtains. The floor they had that in was really deserted , there was no one there. It was completely empty. When we went to go pay , there was a Korean cashier there. My grandma can't speak English very good so she was asking the cashier if she knew chinese. She was like "No , I'm Korean" Since my mom is such a korean fanatic , she got really excited and said "hello" to her in korean. My mom told the lady that she watches a lot of korean dramas and they were just making small talks. The Korean lady turned to me and was telling my mom i was pretty and cute (LOL) , she probably thought i was 14 or younger.
She asked me how old i was; i told her i was "21"
she was like "so you were born in 1989 right?" i nodded. She was saying "just like my daughter"
She asked me when my birthday was, i told her it was in january.
she got excited, she said, "my daughter's birthday is on january 29"
i was thinking 'NO WAY!' i told her "really?!? My birthday is on the same day"
we both (all-including my mom and dad) gasped. it was strangely coincidential.
Then she was talking to my mom asking her what time i was born, hahha
She was telling us how she misses her daughter back in korea and that she had to tell her about me.
After we were finished paying and about to leave , she walked out of the cashier area and said to me "i have to give you a hug"
it was so cute. I can tell that she really missed her daughter a lot. she was telling me that she would remember my face and hope to see me around.
it really was a moment to remember for me. i have NEVER in my entire life met or heard of anyone with the same birthday as me, let alone the year and around the same time too.
It's almost like having a twin ! I hope i'll meet her one day , that would be amazing :)
or maybe i'll visit my twin's mom sometimes ;)

the month of february...it was a good month! now its march, i want that fairytale...

GETTHEFUCKOUTOFOURLIVESSERIOUSLY.