i like you too much to just forget about you

ifuckinghatemylife.

no, i lied , its you who i fucking hate. i hate everysinglefuckingthing about you.
i fucking hate you so much that i want you to die.

WHATTHEFUCK?

who the hell do you think you are ? you annoy the fucking hell out of me . you fucking piss me off everysinglefuckingtime ! every inch of vein in me is boiling with the strongest passion of hating you . do you know what i feel like doing ? i feel like throwing you to feed to the eagles ! or shoot a thousand daggers in your way . your incompetent and i feel sorry for you . you dont have the slightest clue . you're seriously out of your fucking mind ! i just wish you would snap out of whatever it is you have your mind in . if only you cared just a little bit . i honestly dont fucking understand .

And there he is. The familiarity of his display image embedded in her thoughts has now appeared in front of her as he signs onto the instant messenger. For a moment it made her happy, happy that he's there just a click away. She cannot help but stare at his screen name. After all this time of constant thoughts about him, she's tempted to click on him and talk to this boy. But she cant. She's scared. Deep inside she is still that little girl who's dreaming of a happily ever after ; the girl who's afraid her dreams will shatter in an instant. So she leaves it alone, lets it be, drifting back into her imaginative mind...

''Looking back on what I said all those years ago, all the hopes and dreams I had, I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life, then some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair remember, it's only in the black of night that you see the stars, and those stars lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination.'' - One Tree Hill

it was more than just a dream...

Nerves. They get me everytime. They get the best of me. Maybe it isn't even that. So what's stopping me? For some reason, the conversations lead up to almost spilling it out. It's itching to break out. Always. I think about how, I wonder when. Face to face? who knows. The words will come out, one day...
and then, I'm not that great. you say to me. I think you're pretty great. You haven't seen the real me. Show me then. I'm seriously standing on the edge, there's no more room for games. Gonna pull up my courage, one day now. It won't be another crumpled up paper thrown in the trash.

And in the end we'll be laughing...

rockin my brain , goin insane

talking too much , that leads to stuff you never planned to say ... even though you havent really said anything. Did not really give it away, so why does it make you feel like you've ran a thousand miles ? Your pulse race , your heart beats faster and faster . Thump , thump , thump. you could hear it pounding loudly in your ear. It's exhilarating but is it only a tease ? How will you know what to believe ? this is what i believe...one day...

i was listening to my ipod , the song "Crushed , by Roxette" blasted through my earphones , it makes me think about a lot of stuff , makes me wonder...

CRUSHED,
By the sweetest lips I've never kissed
And your fingertips and the warmest touch I've always missed
CRUSHED,
By the softest hands I've never held
Probably never tell,
You're the strongest love that I've ever felt
CRUSHED,
That I haven't ever let you know
How it always goes
Cuz I lose my nerve whenever you get close
And so I'm left,
Short of breath
With that heavy feeling in my chest
Baby I'm so crushed

neverending...

i fall ,
fast and HARD
crashing down , crushed
and no ones catching me
get back up on my own
it hurts
...bruised
the pain , it aches
heals...
but then i fall again

© by me

MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU !

bahahha , im still allowed to say that ! there's 20 more minutes of may 4 !

anyway , there's a lot on my mind lately . i dont even know where to begin . in fact , i dont even know what to blog about right now . the thing is , it seems like im waiting around for something that's never going to happen ... time's just ticking away . life's just passing by . i dont even know if it still mattered . if only there was a way to know , but there isnt . so i'm back to where i started . just waiting ...maybe . is it even worth the wait . i dont know . we'll see .

" Too many people go through life waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen . " - Sasha Azevedo

" i kinda like you "

i kinda wish you knew

there's only so much that i can keep to myself . so i wrote a song, kinda, not much of a song really. just my thoughts, this is my insides talking, like the pit of my stomach clenches whenever i think about it . im also very aware that my "songwriting" skills suck . if i can even call it that ... but whatever . ps. i still have yet to come up with a tune for it, (not that i'll ever sing it) just cause every "song" should have one .

then we both caught each others eyes
we just smiled
speaking through silent words
like we're living
in our own little world

hey you i got something to say
i wanna tell you what im feeling
everyday
i kinda like you
do you kinda like me too?
im always thinking bout you yea
i wanna wanna get with you

i feel theres something going on between us
that thing that i cannot explain
that spark is just there bringing us close
i havent felt this way in a very long time
even the sun outside is begining to shine
can you feel it too ?
or is it just me...like always

hey you i got something to say
i wanna tell you what im feeling
everyday
i kinda like you
do you kinda like me too?
im always thinking bout you yeaa
i wanna wanna get with you

hoping that this feeling
doesnt go away right now
why am i always
wanting so much more
so much more
that all i dream of
all the time
is bout you and me
baby why cant you see
that together is where we should be

hey you i got something to say
i wanna tell you what im feeling
everyday
i kinda like you
do you kinda like me too?
im always thinking bout you yeaa
i wanna wanna get with you

give us a chance
i think we'd really hit it off
and we'd go great together
i just know it
nothing will ever tear us apart
we'll just be holdin onto each others heart

i fall so fast and
i fall too hard
sometimes i let it slip my guard

hey you i got something to say
i wanna tell you what im feeling
everyday
i kinda like you
do you kinda like me too?
im always thinking bout you yeaa
i wanna wanna get with you
ohh oh only you

i kinda like you
(do you kinda like me too?)

"Tranquility."

About a week ago, I picked up my guitar again after so long and started to play around. These past couple days, I have been one with this instrument. Just strumming the same song over and over again. Although I'm still a beginner and still have a lot to learn, this wooden stringed item moves me; it inspires me. and i just love it ! it truly is an amazing feeling being able to play an instrument. it motivates me to keep practicing and potentially get better.

ESCAPE.

that's what i need. i need to escape from this reality. the feeling im holding inside crowds with each other longing for that freeness, wanting to get out. when will i ever get the courage to do that. i've been thinking and wondering all the things i would do. is it really worth it? because i cant stand anymore of this.

what kind of person tells you that you're no value to them? when really it's the other way around. fuck it. honestly, i really cant take it anymore and as much as i've been saying it it's true and one day my mind is gonna burst! there's so many things left unsaid but no matter how much i try to make it work it doesnt. it wont and never will. i feel like a hopeless case who thinks of this horridness, but i really do feel this way. there will come a point that there will be nothing that would stop me. nothing to hold me down and make me feel like shit. because im more than that even though im told otherwise.

the only thing i dont fully understand is how can some people take it. live with what they're living with even if it makes their life miserable. make them feel like the tiniest dirt on the ground and then step on them some more. the force they have to put up with. i dont even know what to do anymore. it hurts me to see the ones i love get hurt. that person that i've erased from my life, still is being hated.

seriously, it hurts me so bad.
its like my whole life is shattered glass and each piece of it is still being torn apart each time. i feel alone. there's no one that could piece me back together. At least not for now.

"The part always has a tendency to reunite with its whole in order to escape from its imperfection." Leonardo da Vinci

It's been a while since i last blogged. it's valentines day tomorrow...i think it's stupid. like why do you need a day just to show someone you love them? why not show them everyday? maybe i just feel this way since i have no one to share it with. maybe it would mean more to me if i did have someone to share it with. on a good note, when it's over... i'm raiding the valentines day section of the stores! get all the goodies i want! :D

so i have this mix emotions towards this someone. i dont know if i like him or not. i probably do, and i just dont wanna admit it to myself. it's kind of complicated, i dont know. everytime i talk to him, it makes me smile. maybe it's just a crush?

is it wrong? the feeling of lust and desire. how can one make you feel this when your mind is telling you different emotions? so complicated, i dont even know if that made sense. it probably doesnt.

so there's this other guy, i dont know what i feel about him either...i haven't spoken to him in a while. he's also a tease. i dont know. i wonder why am i so teasable? why do i always fall for these guys? ugh.

desires. i know for certain it's not love...yet? idk, dont wanna go down that road again..

"The only thing wrong with love and faith and belief is not having it." - Haley James Scott, One Tree Hill

IM FREAKING 20!

today was just lovely. i cant be thankful enough. everyone just made me smile the whole day. been watching all the birthday videos my lovelies made for me on iby! they are the best! it makes me feel special that all of them took precious time out of thier day to make me videos. they are truly the best! I love them all to pieces! They are absolutely awesome, and i cant imagine a day without them. they made my day today like they always do. it brings a smile to my face all the time.

it's like an escape from reality and living in a world with purple skies and pink clouds.

everyone is just so amazing! watch the videos! :D

"You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime." John P. Grier

I DONT FUCKING CARE OR GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE!

i'll be alright.

sometimes i just want to run away. just to get away from it all, leaving everything and everyone else behind. go out and be free, doing anything i want. with no one telling me what to do and no one to bring me down. it would just be me and only me. that would be nice.

i am so close to running away. i'm always pondering about it. to just pack up and leave all this behind. but what is 'this'? is it my life, my world. if it is, i ask myself. how could i just let it all go? what do i really want to do? will it be worth it in the end?

And where would i go? i'd just get as far far away as i could. would i really be happier? and would anyone even care if i leave? who knows, there's only one way to find out..

this feeling of emptiness fucking sucks.

"You can't run away from trouble, there ain't no place that far." James Baskett

people are like puzzles. you won't really get to know one unless you put the pieces together and even then there's still a lot more you still dont know. what if there was a missing piece, then the puzzle is left incomplete. Don't you hate it the feeling of being incomplete, incompetent, or even unimportant? well that's how i feel some days, today just happens to be one of those days..

sa tatay ko:

you make me full of so many emotions, do i really care anymore? because i dont. then why does it always get to me? i can't always fight the tears that fall on my face. Maybe i'm just so stupid that i cannot just let it go. man, i'm sucha mess because of you! you make me feel useless and an idoit! FUCK! there's no words to emphasize how much i HATE you. sometimes i could let it go. But sometimes it just gets too far and i can't hold it in any longer! the feeling you make me feel, it makes me want to punch through glass, crunch it up in my fingers and throw it at your fucking face. Because I can't look at you or listen to your damn words anymore. Looking at you makes me mad, sad, and disappointed. And Hearing your fucking voice makes me want to break something. i fucking hate the way you make me feel! I fucking hate the way you talk me down! & I fucking hate the way you are! I've had enough of it. Always telling me to do this, and do that! Do you ever do ANYTHING yourself? because it sure doesn't look like it. You're just a mean bossy fucker! I dont give a shit. The way you talk you act so superior! Well guess what, you're nothing than a low life desperate loser who depends on others to help you.

You tell us to support because of everything that's been happening, well we did that and why don't you do your part as well? you never appreciated what we did, and i just dont fucking care anymore.

sometimes i wonder what happened to those days..you kno the days when everything is alright. it makes me feel like it was all a dream, just a dream, shattered into a million pieces.

i been praying that you would change. but you never do, so now i'm kinda losing hope. That's when i start to ignore it and just let it be. i start to wonder if you ever care anymore, because it seems like you're just throwing it all away like it didnt matter anymore. we didn't matter, no one mattered.

This is me: You always make me feel so low that i hide in my room, crying my eyes out. i put my music on high so i could hear nothing else! It's just me here. alone, but in a good way. & thats just the way i like it. get away from everything!

someone told me that you're not alone. and that's good to know that there's someone out there who gets me and that im not totally alone. he also told me, that even though the person won't change, all we can do is learn from it, learn from their mistakes and not to go down the same path. it makes me feel better i guess. so thanks to you, you know who you are :)

there are still so many things left unsaid.

"Life's too short, to fight, to be miserable...to let the bitter ones change how awesome you are" - Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill